The Bittersweetness of Baby 2

Stephen and I are so beyond excited to welcome Little Miss into our family, but as we're nearing the finish line and staring our early July due date in the face, we're starting to get a little...nervous.

Scared?

Maybe even a little...sad?

Please don't get me wrong, we can't wait to meet Baylor.  As her nursery has come together, her closet has filled up, and her kicks have become stronger, our anticipation has grown.  We can't wait to hold her.  To kiss her.  To experience (again) those moments that flew by too quickly with Gavin.

Ah, Gavin.  There's the tinge of sadness.

You see, Gavin is the light of our lives.  I know it sounds cliche, but he is our world.  I love staring at the monitor as he's sleeping, his ratty blue lovey tucked under his head and his dinosaur binky hanging from his mouth.  I love watching him play and explore, wondering what is going through his mind as he runs from one corner of his playroom to the other, giggling and pointing.  I love finding fun things to do with him, be it special time with Mommy or special time as a family.  Stephen and I are blessed enough to go on occasional dates, and we manage to have an hour or two each day to spend as a couple, but we truly enjoy experiencing things through the excited eyes of our headstrong baby boy.  So there's a little bit of sadness that our time with just him will be coming to an end, and Stephen and I both agree that the thing we are most nervous about is finding time to make Gavin feel just as loved and just as special as he is now, even once our attention is split.

Our nervousness stems from the fact that Gavin himself was not an easy newborn.  As I've shared before, he was a terrible sleeper, had severe colic, started teething early -- you name it.  We were walking zombies trying to figure our way through the newborn stage.  But with a toddler, being a walking zombie will not be an option.  I honestly do believe that Baylor will be easier -- Baylor has to be easier! -- in part because she's been so mellow in my tummy, and in part because Stephen and I have navigated this territory before.  We know what to do about baby acne.  We have gas drops on hand, and a full can of Nutramigen in the cabinet (just in case).  The Ferber Method of sleep training?  We are experts.  Gavin made us jump through all sorts of hoops, so now we feel more prepared to handle whatever Baylor throws our way.  But a part of me also thinks Baylor's newborn phase will be easier because there just won't be time to dwell over how tired we are.  (I think it's also the main reason this pregnancy has been easier -- who has time to slow down and lament the aches and pains of pregnancy when you have a cutie pie little boy tugging at your jeans constantly?)  Or maybe this will be every bit as difficult as it was with Gavin -- but at least this time we know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  A routine will form eventually.  Gavin will settle into his new role as a big brother the same way we will settle into our new role as parents of two.  The best gift you can give a child is a sibling, and we are doing just that.  Gavin will not hate us for bringing his baby sister into the world.  (Not forever, at least.)

Anyway, this nervousness -- this sadness, even -- it's nothing new.  I vividly remember driving to the hospital to be induced with Gavin and Stephen asking me if I was excited.  Of course I was excited, but it came with a healthy dose of bittersweetness.  Until then, it had just been me and Stephen.  If we wanted to see a movie on a Friday night, we went to see a movie on a Friday night.  We slept late on Sundays, made a big breakfast, and then walked it off at the Loveland Bike Trail before heading to the grocery store to pick up something fun to make for dinner that evening.  We were free to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted.  I knew that would all change when Gavin arrived -- and we were prepared for that change, and wanted that change -- but we also loved each other so much that we weren't sure how it would affect our relationship to suddenly introduce a tiny being that so desperately needed both of our attention.  Would we have time for each other still?  The answer, we now know, is a resounding YES.  In fact, my love for Stephen has grown exponentially as I've seen him as a father.  Our relationship now is certainly different than it was in our pre-baby days -- but the sleepless nights, colic, and difficult teething spells have ultimately made our marriage stronger.  We've learned to cope with situations that, at times, have seemed insurmountable.

Similarly, I'm sure our relationship with Gavin will change.  He will still be the light of our lives and we will still shower him with so many kisses his giggles simply won't be able to keep up.  Stephen will still read "Pat the Bunny" to him and show him how to feel Daddy's scratchy face, just like the story instructs.  I'll still stare at the monitor in the middle of the night, wondering what I did to find myself blessed with the cutest little boy in the entire universe.  But after I do that, I'll scroll over to the other screen, where my daughter will (hopefully) be peacefully snoozing as well, and I'll marvel at this family Stephen and I have created.  Things change, and we grow, and it's scary and bittersweet and a little bit sad -- but when everything is said and done, when the dust has settled, it's a pretty incredible thing to be a parent.  

Memorial Day Weekend

We've had some GORGEOUS weather for Memorial Day weekend, and we've definitely tried to make the most of it!  It's always so nice to have extra time to spend together as a family, especially since our time as a family of three is coming to an end soon.  Knowing that we'll be struggling with the newborn phase again in a few weeks makes us appreciate this time even more -- and despite the fact that Gavin has absolutely no idea what's coming his way in July, we know he's really enjoying the special attention he's getting from Mommy and Daddy now.

Between hiking around Landen Lake, playing in the fountains at Sharon Woods, and celebrating my dad's upcoming 58th birthday, it's been a busy weekend for sure -- but we wouldn't have it any other way!  Tomorrow is back to the daily grind -- and let's face it, short work weeks always feel the longest for some reason -- but before we know it, we'll be back at another weekend and brainstorming different ways to enjoy this exciting time of year!  HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, everyone!

Drinking up before some fun at the park!  (Haha -- it's an empty cup, but the boy DOES love Smoothie King!)

One of my favorite pictures of my parents with Gavin...so happy!

Bubbles...water toys...sunshine...the perfect recipe for a beautiful weekend!

Newport Aquarium

Saturday was awfully dreary outside, so we brightened up the day by taking Gavin to one of his favorite places -- the Newport Aquarium!  It was the perfect way to spend a rainy evening, followed by dinner at Don Pablo's on the river.  It's so fun to see how Gavin's reactions to different exhibits at the aquarium have changed as he's grown -- this past visit, he was super enthralled with the sharks!  Every time a shark would swim by, his eyes would get big as he whispered "oooooooooh!"  It was adorable.  Here are some photos of our fun Saturday in Newport:

How ridiculous is this child?  The Radio Disney people were packing up after an event when Gavin spotted the DJ equipment and ran up to them -- they turned on some music and held a little dance party just for our little boy!  Everyone was naturally impressed with his sweet dance moves.

"Ooooooooooooooh!"

Our fearless son kept climbing INTO the bubble -- giggling happily every time he slid back down.  He looked like he was floating in the water!

Isn't it crazy how much Gavin has changed in one short year?  Whereas he used to simply sit in the bubble and smile as I snapped his photo, now he's far too busy to sit and pose!  Luckily, he's still willing to flash me his cutie pie dimples every now and then.  Needless to say, our aquarium pass was one awesome gift!  (Thanks, Mom and Dad!)

Behind the Lens

A friend of mine from college (with two young kids of her own) recently wrote a blog post about her desire to come out from behind the camera lens to actually appear in pictures with her children. She had read an article by Allison Tate entitled "The Mom Stays in the Picture."  Before we continue, here's a link to the article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allison-tate/mom-pictures-with-kids_b_1926073.html

Stephen and I were gifted an awesome DSLR camera shortly after Gavin was born, mostly because I had expressed a huge interest in photography and wanted to document all of the little moments in my precious baby's young life.  While Stephen did play around with the camera from time to time, he mostly served as one of my models as I purchased new lenses, tried new techniques, and struggled to get the "perfect shot" of Gavin smiling his best smile.  We started referring to the camera as mine rather than ours.  Especially in Gavin's first year, the camera became my extra appendage as we sailed through so many of Gavin's first moments.

But as that first year drew to a close, I began to get frustrated.  I had been so focused on documenting Gavin's life that I had forgotten to actually jump in the pictures from time to time.  I had so many gorgeous pictures of Stephen with our son -- heck, I had so many gorgeous pictures of everyone with our son -- but the photos I had of me and Gavin were mostly limited to selfies taken on my iPhone and blurry photos taken by bystanders who didn't know how to use the settings on the DSLR.  Aside from some professional portraits we had paid someone else to take, I had very few really great photos of me just interacting with my child.  Furthermore, we had this complicated (but wonderful) camera that no one else knew how to use.

Let's be real, these two photos show a HUGE difference in quality.

I let Stephen know that I'd like him to learn how to use the camera, at least on automatic, so that I wasn't always the one behind the lens -- but even then, I just ended up with photos of me emphatically pointing to the camera while Gavin distractedly gazed at a far-off dandelion he just had to have.  Either that, or totally unflattering photos taken at totally unflattering angles that made me feel terrible about my post-baby body.  It became something I resented -- the fact that I had this great camera that took great photos of everyone but me, apparently.

Allison Tate's article is interesting because it brings up another point -- that maybe I'm simply not okay being in photos when my hair is messy, my makeup isn't done, or I'm feeling huge (which, at nearly 33 weeks pregnant, is more often than not).  If a photo isn't flattering, it gets deleted immediately.  It's a valid thought -- I judge myself way harder than Gavin ever will.  To Gavin, I'm just Mommy.  I'm not Mommy with no makeup, or Mommy with frizzy hair, or even Mommy with an enormous baby bump (he's more enamored with his own belly button anyway).  Just Mommy.  So maybe I need to be okay not looking like a glamour queen in every photo.  Maybe I need to just appreciate that the photo captures that particular moment with my son, period.

But then there are pictures like the one taken at Disney, above.  We were having a great time on our first day in Orlando, and yet this photo shows Gavin's anxiously trying to get out of his stroller and not even remotely looking at the camera, and I'm smiling but frustrated, wishing Stephen would do something (anything) to draw Gavin's attention away from the bird/boat/other child.  That's where I think I excel as a photographer -- not due to SKILL at all, but due to PATIENCE.  I know that, eventually, one of my tricks will work and Gavin will look towards the camera, perhaps even gracing us with a smile.  Take the following shots, for example:

The top photo was maybe the tenth attempt at getting everyone to smile and look at the camera at the same time.  Honestly, everyone was ready to throw in the towel -- but it was Mother's Day and I really wanted a picture of Gavin smiling with his grandma and great grandma.  Stephen grabbed a balloon from inside, distracted Gavin, and voila!  A seemingly impossible photo became possible.  And beyond that, the photo actually manages to capture the moment.  Gavin was having a lot of fun with Diana and Ermina, even if that top photo makes him look antsy and pensive.  So why is it too much to ask that the photos I'm actually IN similarly reflect how happy my son makes me, and how happy he is when he's spending time with Mommy?  When Gavin looks back at these photos, I don't need him to see his mom looking flawless, but I'd like him to at least see how much joy he brought to my life.

One of my favorite pictures of me with Gavin, at 7 months old, taken by Jennifer Rose Photography.

It's a work in progress I guess.  The DSLR is hard to use if you're used to a point-and-shoot, especially with my favorite lens (the 85mm f/1.8).  Gavin is a toddler.  I'm hugely pregnant.  And in all honesty, photography has become a real passion of mine since having children -- I love being the one taking the photos.  But that being said, I'm seriously considering hiring a birth photographer to capture the important moments from Baylor's big day.  We have a newborn photographer lined up for portraits -- but I want someone to take pictures of our faces when we see our baby girl for the first time.  I want to be able to relive moments that I might forget, due to labor and delivery complications or heavy doses of Phenergan and exhaustion.  And most importantly, I'd like to be able to step out from behind the lens while still being able to look back at the raw emotion and relief of bringing a child safely into the world, glamour queen or not.

I guess sometimes it's okay to look a bit disheveled...  :)

Welcome to the family, Tater!

This past weekend, my parents adopted an adorable new puppy!  Like Wilson, he's a cream-colored golden doodle...and like Wilson, he has a sweet face and an even sweeter demeanor.  Of course, we immediately rushed over to meet the little fellow and take photos of his fluffy goodness!  We were happy to find that Tater is GREAT with Gavin, Gavin is GREAT with Tater, and my parents have GREAT taste in puppies.  Take a look!

So much love!

It's exhausting being so cute...

Gavin even shared his favorite toy with his new buddy!

TACKLE!

No more kisses!

Welcome home, Tater!  You couldn't ask for better puppy-parents!  :)