Behind the Lens

A friend of mine from college (with two young kids of her own) recently wrote a blog post about her desire to come out from behind the camera lens to actually appear in pictures with her children. She had read an article by Allison Tate entitled "The Mom Stays in the Picture."  Before we continue, here's a link to the article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allison-tate/mom-pictures-with-kids_b_1926073.html

Stephen and I were gifted an awesome DSLR camera shortly after Gavin was born, mostly because I had expressed a huge interest in photography and wanted to document all of the little moments in my precious baby's young life.  While Stephen did play around with the camera from time to time, he mostly served as one of my models as I purchased new lenses, tried new techniques, and struggled to get the "perfect shot" of Gavin smiling his best smile.  We started referring to the camera as mine rather than ours.  Especially in Gavin's first year, the camera became my extra appendage as we sailed through so many of Gavin's first moments.

But as that first year drew to a close, I began to get frustrated.  I had been so focused on documenting Gavin's life that I had forgotten to actually jump in the pictures from time to time.  I had so many gorgeous pictures of Stephen with our son -- heck, I had so many gorgeous pictures of everyone with our son -- but the photos I had of me and Gavin were mostly limited to selfies taken on my iPhone and blurry photos taken by bystanders who didn't know how to use the settings on the DSLR.  Aside from some professional portraits we had paid someone else to take, I had very few really great photos of me just interacting with my child.  Furthermore, we had this complicated (but wonderful) camera that no one else knew how to use.

Let's be real, these two photos show a HUGE difference in quality.

I let Stephen know that I'd like him to learn how to use the camera, at least on automatic, so that I wasn't always the one behind the lens -- but even then, I just ended up with photos of me emphatically pointing to the camera while Gavin distractedly gazed at a far-off dandelion he just had to have.  Either that, or totally unflattering photos taken at totally unflattering angles that made me feel terrible about my post-baby body.  It became something I resented -- the fact that I had this great camera that took great photos of everyone but me, apparently.

Allison Tate's article is interesting because it brings up another point -- that maybe I'm simply not okay being in photos when my hair is messy, my makeup isn't done, or I'm feeling huge (which, at nearly 33 weeks pregnant, is more often than not).  If a photo isn't flattering, it gets deleted immediately.  It's a valid thought -- I judge myself way harder than Gavin ever will.  To Gavin, I'm just Mommy.  I'm not Mommy with no makeup, or Mommy with frizzy hair, or even Mommy with an enormous baby bump (he's more enamored with his own belly button anyway).  Just Mommy.  So maybe I need to be okay not looking like a glamour queen in every photo.  Maybe I need to just appreciate that the photo captures that particular moment with my son, period.

But then there are pictures like the one taken at Disney, above.  We were having a great time on our first day in Orlando, and yet this photo shows Gavin's anxiously trying to get out of his stroller and not even remotely looking at the camera, and I'm smiling but frustrated, wishing Stephen would do something (anything) to draw Gavin's attention away from the bird/boat/other child.  That's where I think I excel as a photographer -- not due to SKILL at all, but due to PATIENCE.  I know that, eventually, one of my tricks will work and Gavin will look towards the camera, perhaps even gracing us with a smile.  Take the following shots, for example:

The top photo was maybe the tenth attempt at getting everyone to smile and look at the camera at the same time.  Honestly, everyone was ready to throw in the towel -- but it was Mother's Day and I really wanted a picture of Gavin smiling with his grandma and great grandma.  Stephen grabbed a balloon from inside, distracted Gavin, and voila!  A seemingly impossible photo became possible.  And beyond that, the photo actually manages to capture the moment.  Gavin was having a lot of fun with Diana and Ermina, even if that top photo makes him look antsy and pensive.  So why is it too much to ask that the photos I'm actually IN similarly reflect how happy my son makes me, and how happy he is when he's spending time with Mommy?  When Gavin looks back at these photos, I don't need him to see his mom looking flawless, but I'd like him to at least see how much joy he brought to my life.

One of my favorite pictures of me with Gavin, at 7 months old, taken by Jennifer Rose Photography.

It's a work in progress I guess.  The DSLR is hard to use if you're used to a point-and-shoot, especially with my favorite lens (the 85mm f/1.8).  Gavin is a toddler.  I'm hugely pregnant.  And in all honesty, photography has become a real passion of mine since having children -- I love being the one taking the photos.  But that being said, I'm seriously considering hiring a birth photographer to capture the important moments from Baylor's big day.  We have a newborn photographer lined up for portraits -- but I want someone to take pictures of our faces when we see our baby girl for the first time.  I want to be able to relive moments that I might forget, due to labor and delivery complications or heavy doses of Phenergan and exhaustion.  And most importantly, I'd like to be able to step out from behind the lens while still being able to look back at the raw emotion and relief of bringing a child safely into the world, glamour queen or not.

I guess sometimes it's okay to look a bit disheveled...  :)